Stress mess


Welcome back you beautiful souls. I have received some really amazing support since my last post so I just wanted to thank y’all for that and let you know how important it is to me! There is nothing better than finding out people don’t think you’re talking total shit ❤

So, stress. I can’t handle it. I am the worst person at being stressed. It makes me into a dragon lady and I also get jelly brain. I hate everyone and everything and think the world is out to get me. I have comprised a list with my top tips on how to handle stress to try and share the chill vibes but also try and convince myself that I should actually do these things rather than just think about them.

  1. Cry – crying is great. To anyone who calls you a cry baby/constant cryer etc slap that bitch upside their head cos you don’t need that sort of negativity in your life. There is nothing better than having a good old cry. Afterwards you get the bunged up nose and headache and it’s a real sense of achievement. Lol jks, it just makes you feel like a fucking dick but that’s beside the point. Everyone knows that once you’re sick you stop feeling sick. So let’s just transfer this little theory right on over to our favourite activity (crying) and recognise that once you’ve cried it all out you’ve released all that negative emotion. See ya later sucker.
  2. Laugh (at yourself) – everyone says laughter relieves stress, go and have a coffee with a friend, watch your favourite comedy and all that crap which I’m sure is true but when I’m stressed I’m not in a very laugh-Y mood and OBVIOUSLY DONT HAVE TIME FOR THAT (otherwise I wouldn’t be stressed, nob). That is why it is important to laugh at yourself. For example, you are moaning to your boyfriend about how much you have to do and how worried you are about it. You’re talking/typing quicker and quicker and ahhhhh everything’s manic.  *cue laughter*. This is the point where you should laugh at yourself for being such an idiot as to expect to feel better talking about what you’ve got to do rather than doing it. This may sound harsh but it works along the same lines as the theory that it’s not the taking part that counts, it’s the winning.  We all know it’s true. Unless you’re a reception teacher trying not to crush kids’ dreams. Crush them I say! … Apologies. (I have already used the word theory twice… We can tell I’ve been writing academic essays)
  3. have a bath before bed – not because baths are relaxing etc but because when you are literally submerged in water it is much more difficult to do little jobs here and there to distract you. To elaborate… Say I am typing an essay sitting on my bed and remember I need to write something in my diary. I quickly get up, grab my diary, write it in and by that point might as well have sold my focus on eBay. Alternatively we can imagine that I am trying to write said essay and think hmm I’m hungry (I’m obviously not, just eating cos I’m bored and convince myself that’s a great idea only to moan later that I’ve got more rolls than sainsburys bakery) so I pop downstairs, whip up a feast that would make Gordon Ramsey bow down and by the time I arrive back at my laptop I am totally perplexed by the idea of actually doing work. Herein my friends, the bath trick becomes useful. When submerged in water it is much more difficult to pop into a different room/collect somethings from the other side of the room, especially if that means I will be cold and naked with a very high risk of running into my flat mates (I know they love it – not the point.) So when I’m in the bath all I can do is develop the theories and arguments I am going to feature in my essay in my head and get myself right in the zone. I know this is slightly contradictory to my previous point about not having time to meet a friend for coffee / watch tv or whatever but it’s TOTALLY different and if you’re gonna be that pedantic then whatever i don’t even need you.
  4. Eat whatever you mothertrucking want – yes eat clean think clean, eat healthy think healthy but similarly eat clean spend ages in the kitchen prepping stuff, eat healthy and be totally Unsatisfied. I KNOW healthy food can be super yummy, I don’t mean this to be an attack on healthy food. My point is, eat what you want cos you’ve got enough on your plate (you’re welcome 😉) to take on that extra layer of pressure to prepare stuff if it isn’t your forte, or go to the shops cos you don’t have the ‘right’ thing. Biscuits help me get through essays. You know those Maryland gooey ones. If my notes don’t have a suspect brown substance smeared across them then they are just totally inauthentic. Food is inspiration people, and yes you may feel worse cos you don’t like the way you look after, or the bad food isn’t exactly good brain food but then I guess it’s a matter of weighing up what’s important. For me, in mega stress everything healthy goes out the window… I then hate myself a few weeks later when my skin is rank and I get tired walking up the stairs but it is then that I deal with it.
  5. Get enough sleep – bullshit. When you’re stressed the last thing you can do is RELAX enough to sleep. That’s the dream (again, you’re welcome). However, sleep is well important but don’t let it bog you down if you only get a few hours. I always find that it I’m aware I’ve not had much sleep eg I’ve been out all night and before I go to bed I recognise that I have to be up in three hours I am MUCH more tired than if I can’t sleep so stay up reading and doing bits in my room without realising the time, only get three hours but don’t really pay attention to that and just get up the next day. Similarly, if I think oh holy crap i only got 5 hours last night I am exhausted, that is a totally different experience to if I’ve been out and only got five hours and wake up and think wow I actually feel ok. Of course sleep deprivation has many negative effects, I’m not saying it doesn’t but I believe, at least for me, I can convince myself into a greater level of exhaustion if I dwell on my lack of sleep but also, hello… Coffee and red bull. It’s the 21st century people come on.
  6. Cuddle a dog – dogs are so great. My dog is an actual psycho (oops maybe shouldn’t use this term with derogatory connotations in a blog such as mine but we can’t all get offended by everything – I’m a depressed wannabe, there I said it). Just watching her doing this freaky stare out of the corner of her eye and seeing her simple brain ticking away makes me so happy. She’s either really thick or the most intelligent dog ever. I’m not sure. I like to ponder it as a distraction to the thoughts whizzing round my head. Just imagine cute little doggy world where everyone is friends and they hump in the park and eat and sleep and that’s about it. Magical.
  7. Just chill the fuck out – it won’t be like this forever mate. On a scale of 1-10 how important really is it? (10 being death). Will it matter this time next year? Is it really as bad as you’re making out? Are there more important things? Are you just too cool for this shit? (Probably)
  8. Ignore everything I’ve just said – do what YOU want. Whatever makes you feel better and the situation easier to handle, then do it. I’m sure my tips totally counteract all scientific evidence ever, so maybe I get through easier by thinking I’m some sort of tough rebel who doesn’t need anyone’s advice. Ultimately, as long as you’re not a mega bitch you’ll be alright.

X is a stupid letter

I realise now that my blog is becoming a self help mechanism. And I’m ok with that. Scary but whatever. I have also found out that my blog is helping a few others. And I’m really ok with that. I hope people find comfort in reading my words and it makes them feel less lonely… Or alone (lonely and alone, two very different things)…. Or crazy….or a psycho… Or whatever other bullshit words people wanna throw around. Erm hello babes I think you’re crazy for wearing that dog awful jacket, at least my crazy is concealed behind perfect winged liner. Thot.

A ll consuming

n o rest

x is a stupid fucking letter anyway

i am the worst person in the world

e verythings wrong

t oo much

y es, there is no way out

When you look back on your evening and have spent the last five hours crying and completely upturned every corner of your life, will have puffy eyes for work tomorrow and carry some self hate… You realise what a non achievement this is. Just like X is a stupid fucking letter, anxiety is a stupid fucking emotion. The letter X is so unnecessary that we had to create a usage for it by making it mean a physical gesture in colloquial written language, kiss kiss. anxiety (I don’t even give it a capital letter because it is so shit to me at the moment) is such a fucking useless emotion we even sometimes create things to feel anxious about. That’s the worst part for me. How do I know if what I’m feeling is a true reflection of my thoughts, or I’ve just jumped on board the anxiety train and have had to think of a fictional problem to chat to my neighbour about? Or maybe it’s just a little niggle that all of a sudden makes the earth stop? How ridiculous. If my muscles grew in the gym (lol like I’ve gone to the gym recently) as quickly as my thoughts grow out of proportion in my head, forget Charlotte Crosbys bum blitz it would be Chloe’s caducous fat cells miracle. Exactly, ridiculous. So why, when this wave of anxiety hits and my tummy drops and I feel freezing and sick, do I not say Erm hi mate you alright fuck off because this is as ridiculous as Chloe’s caducous fat cells? The fear that washes over is immense. That’s what anxiety comes down to, worry and fear. For me at least anyway. My dad always says fear stands for fantasy events appearing real, and it’s true. Unless you’re being chased round the house by a robber/gunman. But even then you might not get shot! It is a fear of the outcome to a real life, or made up situation. Now, in films we get excited about how it’s going to end. Why not treat life in the same way? Lol how unrealistic, imagine… Oh my god I am so totally looking forward to finding out what happens when I can’t repay what I spent on my credit card, literally so exciting! Ok so that was a ridiculous suggestion but at least it’s injecting humour into such a suffocating problem. It would be amazing if we could programme our brains to work that way though. Life would be one huge film. Wow. Ok that’s my aim from now on. Ultimately though, we can’t always control the outcome of situations, just like we can’t control the outcome of films (unless we’re script writers) so all being anxious does is make the possibility of a bad outcome more likely because we’re getting ourselves so worked up and can’t handle the situation in a way that we normally would. And that’s not fair on us. I find it very hard to accept that sometimes life is shit. But what we must remember is we will get ourselves through it. Why? Because we have to. In 10 years time will it matter? 5 years? 6 months? Even a few weeks? And if we’re going to get through whatever happens, then why waste time feeling anxious? (I realise this is a stupid question because if it was as easy as that then no one would suffer and I would not have been inspired to even begin writing this – but we must ask ourselves this in order to not give in). One of my all time favourite sayings is: pain is inevitable, suffering is optional. I’m sure the word optional grates on a lot of people out there because if it was optional then why would we put ourselves through it (like oh yeah I really enjoy dedicating hours of my life to feeling really unhappy and scared) but just take it for what it is because although it’s not optional, we must keep this idea in our heads to keep anxiety in proportion; it is as fucking stupid as the letter x.


Brain World

Hello to you lovely people taking the time out to read this,

Thanks so much for your kind comments so far, I love knowing what you think so please get in touch!

So, last night I was lying in bed wide awake (naturally) wishing so hard that I was more sleepy at night time and less so in the morning. I just don’t understand how I find it so impossible to wake up, get out of bed and actually face real life not just drown myself in my uber soft throw  (Zara home – favourite shop ever). And before anyone says oo it’s your sleeping pattern, you should go to bed earlier yada yada yada… I’ve heard it all before and I’ve tried it all before. I just need the world to shift forwards a bit so we all go to sleep at about 2am and wake up at 10am. Anyway, I was lying there getting really frustrated and just started picturing my brain. Now, when I was younger I used to think that little mice in pastel coloured aprons worked traffic lights. They would shuffle around turning on the right light and they would slot all of the correctly coloured screen infront of the bulbs etc. After a few minutes of lying and brain visualising I realised that I saw my brain as operating in the same way (except this time it’s little monsters) which I have never consciously acknowledged before lol it was an incredible realisation. Anyway, this leads me on to a little story. I realised I had created an entire narrative for these little friends in my brain that I might as well share (just for lols – whether thats at or with me, whatever) … Enjoy.

First things first, whenever people have told you before that your brain is a pink/grey mass full of neurological crazy shit and electric buzzers carrying around your shit with lasers and shit, they were lying. They just say it so brain surgeons can justify why they spent so long drinking it up as a student (lol jk – respect). In actual fact, your brain has a hard casing which splits down the middle and opens up, just like a dolls house that is sectioned into four rooms. During the day all of the little monsters are scurrying around your brain, some in lab coats, putting stuff into filing cabinets and entering information into computers  (think Plankton from Sponge Bob and his massive computer wife – I think it’s his wife? I’m sure it is. Why am i doubting myself? You guys are intimidating.) But when you go to bed they all retire to their own rooms so they can focus on their specific activity.

Room one (top left) is the room of Yip; the room of tension. Yip is a burnt orange sort of colour with one eye and is splodge shaped. “Alright Yip, would you mind switching off your light and going to bed? All this tension is making me ache.” I said.  (I know I should enter a new line when someone starts speaking in order to make it grammatically correct or whatever the right word is but it just doesn’t work cos it looks like a new paragraph and just no, I’m just gonna put it on the line wherever it comes, ok? ok.) “Well Chloe,  I suppose I can switch off my light but you will have to consciously help me do it. Start from your head and relax everything, by the time you get to your toes, I’ll have switched it off.” Replied Yip. “Okay cool, that’s fair. Thanks mate.” Me and Yip are friends.

Onto room two. Yap. Yap is in the planning room. He is green and is the shape of a beauty blender. “Yap, please can we stop planning things now? I can do it tomorrow when I can write it in my diary and actually remember it.” Said I, being reasonable as ever. “Erm,  I’m not sure how I feel about that. You have a lot coming up and we should probably keep going through it like one hundred times JUST INCASE we forget something. And we need to plan for the best case scenario and the worst, JUST INCASE. And when are you going to fit in this bit of uni work cos looks to me like you’re pretty booked up? and oh shit you never replied to that text, when are you gonna see her? It’s been ages since you saw her hmm maybe we could fit her in Friday morning?” Little shit. After some time of my puppy dog eyes (but inwards of my head because it’s towards my brain so thinking about it the back of my eyeballs must have extremely good expressive qualities) Yap said “Look, I will reason with you. I will pack away my lever arch file with built in pocket on the inside cover and multicoloured page dividers as long as you promise me we will sit down tomorrow, with diary, and plan this all out.” “Okay Yap, let’s do that.” So he hops in bed, puts his cute little annoying feet under the cover and switches off his light. Phew.

Third room. Yop. He’s a tricky one. He’s maroon and is fatter on the bottom than the top. He looks a bit like a cartoon dog poo actually, you know the ones that look like brown coloured Mr Whippy’s, like the emoji? With little arms and legs. Anyway, he is master of the room of worry. So, here goes. “Yap, please may you switch your light off.” “I…I…I I can’t. What if something changes overnight and we don’t know about it? What if the we wake up and the world isn’t how we left it and no one else is around and we’re stranded? What if we don’t pass our degree? No but seriously Chloe, what if we don’t wake up to the alarm and are late for work and then loose our job? And then we’d have no money, and then we would get so far into our overdraft and not be able to pay off our credit card and then we would probably end up homeless and that would be cold and you know how much you hate the cold chloe omg and its getting colder and I don’t know if you have a coat thats warm enough but maybe you shouldn’t buy one just incase we don’t wake up to the alarm and loose our job, oh my god CAN IT BE SO?” he rambled. “Yap, let’s try and be calm. We can only control so much. Make yourself a horlicks (cos thats what my nan used to drink before bed) and lets go to sleep.” Yap nevously walked over to the light switch. With his finger quivering above it he says “Chloe I can’t, I just can’t. I can’t turn the light off because WHAT IF SOMETHING HAPPENS.” After twenty  minutes of too-ing and fro-ing (how the hell do you spell that? I’ve never written it down before… looks like I’m speaking owl language) Yap quietly said “I will use the dimmer switch. I will try my hardest to turn it right down and keep it there, but I just have to have my room lit enough so I can be aware of what is going on.” Brilliant. Thanks ‘pal.’ Pussy.

And the fourth room. The room of the conscious. There is something special about this light switch… it can’t be turned off by me. And there’s something special about Yoop, the monster who occupies the room… he is deaf. I cannot speak to him and kindly flatter him into switching off his light.  It’s just whenever Yoop decides he wants to. Yoop has a habit of lying in bed and almost drifting off and then having a surge of energy where he gets up and does 100 skips with his skipping rope. Or sometimes he gets up, does one star jump and then goes for a leisurely swim. His energy levels are wack. Sometimes, if he decides to go on a two hour hike I scream at him JUST GO TO FUCKING BED AND SWITCH OFF YOUR DAMN LIGHT, but as he can’t hear me he carries on, blissfully unaware. Yoop is the king of the brain; if he switches off his light it trips out Yip, Yap and Yop’s, plunging the brain into a darkness that isn’t eerie, just beautifully peaceful. Sometimes there is a thunderstorm which invokes a bad dream, but other than that… as peaceful as a beach hut on stilts in the clear sea of Bora Bora. Lush.


From my imagination to yours x