I realise now that my blog is becoming a self help mechanism. And I’m ok with that. Scary but whatever. I have also found out that my blog is helping a few others. And I’m really ok with that. I hope people find comfort in reading my words and it makes them feel less lonely… Or alone (lonely and alone, two very different things)…. Or crazy….or a psycho… Or whatever other bullshit words people wanna throw around. Erm hello babes I think you’re crazy for wearing that dog awful jacket, at least my crazy is concealed behind perfect winged liner. Thot.
A ll consuming
n o rest
x is a stupid fucking letter anyway
i am the worst person in the world
e verythings wrong
t oo much
y es, there is no way out
When you look back on your evening and have spent the last five hours crying and completely upturned every corner of your life, will have puffy eyes for work tomorrow and carry some self hate… You realise what a non achievement this is. Just like X is a stupid fucking letter, anxiety is a stupid fucking emotion. The letter X is so unnecessary that we had to create a usage for it by making it mean a physical gesture in colloquial written language, kiss kiss. anxiety (I don’t even give it a capital letter because it is so shit to me at the moment) is such a fucking useless emotion we even sometimes create things to feel anxious about. That’s the worst part for me. How do I know if what I’m feeling is a true reflection of my thoughts, or I’ve just jumped on board the anxiety train and have had to think of a fictional problem to chat to my neighbour about? Or maybe it’s just a little niggle that all of a sudden makes the earth stop? How ridiculous. If my muscles grew in the gym (lol like I’ve gone to the gym recently) as quickly as my thoughts grow out of proportion in my head, forget Charlotte Crosbys bum blitz it would be Chloe’s caducous fat cells miracle. Exactly, ridiculous. So why, when this wave of anxiety hits and my tummy drops and I feel freezing and sick, do I not say Erm hi mate you alright fuck off because this is as ridiculous as Chloe’s caducous fat cells? The fear that washes over is immense. That’s what anxiety comes down to, worry and fear. For me at least anyway. My dad always says fear stands for fantasy events appearing real, and it’s true. Unless you’re being chased round the house by a robber/gunman. But even then you might not get shot! It is a fear of the outcome to a real life, or made up situation. Now, in films we get excited about how it’s going to end. Why not treat life in the same way? Lol how unrealistic, imagine… Oh my god I am so totally looking forward to finding out what happens when I can’t repay what I spent on my credit card, literally so exciting! Ok so that was a ridiculous suggestion but at least it’s injecting humour into such a suffocating problem. It would be amazing if we could programme our brains to work that way though. Life would be one huge film. Wow. Ok that’s my aim from now on. Ultimately though, we can’t always control the outcome of situations, just like we can’t control the outcome of films (unless we’re script writers) so all being anxious does is make the possibility of a bad outcome more likely because we’re getting ourselves so worked up and can’t handle the situation in a way that we normally would. And that’s not fair on us. I find it very hard to accept that sometimes life is shit. But what we must remember is we will get ourselves through it. Why? Because we have to. In 10 years time will it matter? 5 years? 6 months? Even a few weeks? And if we’re going to get through whatever happens, then why waste time feeling anxious? (I realise this is a stupid question because if it was as easy as that then no one would suffer and I would not have been inspired to even begin writing this – but we must ask ourselves this in order to not give in). One of my all time favourite sayings is: pain is inevitable, suffering is optional. I’m sure the word optional grates on a lot of people out there because if it was optional then why would we put ourselves through it (like oh yeah I really enjoy dedicating hours of my life to feeling really unhappy and scared) but just take it for what it is because although it’s not optional, we must keep this idea in our heads to keep anxiety in proportion; it is as fucking stupid as the letter x.