How many times can one person make a come back? I’m currently on my third (I think) and have no plan of stopping because lets be honest… I can’t keep this up regularly for shit; my mind is too temperamental. Respect to bloggers and influencers etc who can, but by the time I get home from work I cba to do anything, and spend my weekends moping and watching netflix. Productivity is at an all time low. Well, not quite all time low at all really, just not super high. See what I did there?! I EXAGGERATED THE NEGATIVES. First time I’ve ever done that… weird…
Anyway, I’m writing this post because with all the 2018 highlights going up on social media I think today is one of the most important days to be mindful if your brain is slightly creative in the more negative veins, like mine.
This morning I’ve been a bit/very mopey. Waking up seemed like I was trying to climb everest in my (new) pjs (they’re blue and red leopard print for anyone who cares – sounds ghastly but are surprisingly chic). I would however like to highlight that previously I’d be beating myself up for lying there unable to face the day, however now, weirdly, there is a kind, encouraging voice in my head. It’s very rare for me to be able to hand on heart say that I have noticed a positive change in my inner voice but this is one (perhaps the only one) so I’m sharing it with you to show that it IS possible, even if it takes a fucking life time to achieve. By the time I get to sorting it all I’ll be 95 (jokes as if I’ll make it to 95) and not give a fuck anymore anyway.
For the past few days I’ve been thinking ‘hmm my brain doesn’t seem very healthy at the moment’ and then I’ve panicked as to why. I’m never going to be one of those people who doesn’t have to constantly (and I mean literally every second) check in with their mental and health and put every effort into improving it, so I don’t know why whenever I have a slump I panic about what needs to change in my life to make me happy (lol if only it was that easy). Also, I’ve decided to ignore the fact that I’ve drunk copious amount of gin the past couple of weeks… I was staying at my mums and she has the fancy glasses and ice and paper metallic straws and raspberries and citrus fruits and boodles gin and an array of tonics and I’m JUST like a kid in a sweet shop. As much as we don’t want to hear it, alcohol is a depressant guys. THE CLUE IS IN THE NAME. I also decided it had nothing to do with eating a shit ton of food, making myself bloated and feeling bad about myself and feeling grim like my body is a sack of potatoes. I decided that I do look rank, but the break outs and dark circles have nothing to do with the aforementioned; it must just be because I’m a total ugly minger. I also decided it had nothing to do with not taking my anti depressants for a week (why would I do that, literally why? I have a reminder on my phone, and they’re always in my handbag which is always with me, and I know what happens when I don’t, I literally can’t even bullshit an excuse but it’s not a conscious decision, I just ‘forget’… suspicious…)
Then this morning I started scrolling through Instagram (because that’s a healthy thing to do when you first wake up), and saw the highlights of 2018 posts. Fuck that.
Literally fuck that.
A few weeks ago I was thinking how this is the first year I could do a highlights of 2018 post because I actually have things that excite me (then realised why would I do that.. like what would I actually get out of that?) For example, the mother fucking trip of a life time where I met so many legends and faced a huge fear (and many other anxieties on a daily basis) and had an absolute blast. My bf lets me be me and doesn’t demand anything else. My family have recently got a new puppy and a very kind friend of ours hand made us a light up bauble for the tree to remember our other doggo who died earlier this year. Thank you very kind friend. Oh yeah, my family are alright too. My growing family should I say as my brother married his lovely lady this year which was a fantastic day. And I’ve got hilarious, legendary friends who I love so much I wish I saw more of to have more of the super fun times that we ALWAYS have together because we live in London and we’re living the life of riley and with some of them we do singing gigs and are living the dream and get treated like royalty and it’s all really fun AND STOP… see what’s happening here? You’re reading all of my highlights and comparing them to your own (that sounds arrogant and if you’re not then go you!! that wasn’t sarcastic, it was wholly genuine). But why are you comparing them to your own? Because you don’t know what I’m thinking other than what I’m writing down.
Let’s use the puppy as an example as it is simple… she is sooooooooo cute I want to squeeze her till her eye balls bulge out but I don’t because I obviously don’t want to cause her harm. I love her so much and I’m soo excited whenever I see her and whenever she falls asleep on me I just melt because I genuinely can’t deal with the cuteness. But I also feel incredibly sad about my other doggy not being with us. I think of all the times he was there with me while I cried growing up and licked my tears off my face with his stinky breath. And how I didn’t say goodbye because it was better for him to be let go at that moment. And how I moved to London so the last few years I didn’t see him that much and that was my choice. And how for the third doggo who was his sister, I think about how she feels that her brother (and humping partner) died and now there’s this hyper weird thing in the house that annoys her and she doesn’t understand. I don’t mean to trivialise, but I hope this shows, at least whenever you read my social media, that there is so much more going on behind the scenes than the perfect sentence posted.
And as for the pressure of today and… TONIGHT *audible gasps*, fuck that too. What you doing NYE? AAHHHHHH the pressure. I DONT KNOW. I DONT KNOW BUT I HOPE ITS GOOD BECAUSE ITS NEW YEARS EVE OH MY GGGGGOOOOOOOODDDDDDD. I’m one those. I panic because I love a good party and don’t want to miss the opportunity for one, frankly. However, it is just another night. And tomorrow is just another day. This will be my 23rd NYE and my track record of survival of them so far is pretty good. Of course it would be nice to be with all of your nearest of dearest at midnight tonight, as a poignant moment. But if you’re not, because some are busy doing other things, or some are in a different country, or some don’t want to do what you’re doing, or some literally couldn’t give a crap and want to save the money, then that’s not a reflection on your relationship with any of them. It is one night of the year. One night of your life. If you miss one hair when you’re shaving your legs does it matter? Nah. It’s just one of many.
And this is the mindfulness I’m trying to employ today; I’m reminding myself that not every single relationship in my life, aspect of my life, dreams, career goals, colour of my underwear, dinner choice, success in 2019, happiness in 2019, how much my nails will grow in 2019 depends on tonight. I’m trying to avoid social media, but if I do catch myself on it I’m going to remind myself that it is a facade, it is what people want you to see and in no way is it comparable to what’s going on in your world. That’s like throwing the inside of an orange (your mind) and a bouncy ball (others’ social media posts) against a wall and trying to compare the results. No wonder one if more fragile than the other! It’s squishy and real and natural rather than man made, robust and dare I say it… fake. Yikes. How profound.
I wish you all peaceful brains on this day that for some is one of the hardest of the year ❤